Now I know, who
hasn't addressed the perils of modern day dating...countless magazines analyze courting methods and feature articles about it all the time...we've also all watched the numerous chick flicks...and I'm sure
He's just not that into you taught all of us a thing or two when we watched it this year, the long sad story of hopeful women misinterpreting signals from men was plastered all over the big screen and there was no way we could ignore it...so here's another analysis, I've made my own...only the scenarios that take place in this feature are not fictional, nor have they been passed down from woman to woman over a cup of coffee and a skinny blueberry muffin...It was me and some close friends who experienced these dating debacles at first had...so analyze and enjoy!
FACE TO FACE VS FACEBOOK
We live in a fast moving world as far as communication is concerned. We text, we email, we use facebook. When it comes to dating, are these mediums bringing us closer together or are they merely a substitute for real life interaction. Little red explores…
It started with a friend request. She reached for her laptop, cursing the internet for the reluctant manner in which it met her urgent ‘clicks.’ At last the facebook homepage opened. She nervously typed in her password and waited again, every passing second that followed was spent blaming Richard Branson and his empty promises about the speed of fiber optic cable. Finally, there it was, the little icon in the corner telling her that she had a notification. Not just any friend request, but a friend request from ‘him.’ A victory dance in her pajamas was even considered for a moment, till she realized this wasn’t a victory at all, this was only the beginning.
And this my friends is how the modern concept that is facebook courting begins. You get a friend request, you accept it and by doing so you consequently sell your soul to the church of ‘Facebookology’. We have mobiles, text messaging, dating sites, networking sites, messenger and a whole platoon of devices that are encouraging us to ‘keep in touch.’ However, even though we have more methods of communication at our disposal we are increasingly more reluctant to use them as they give the whole dating game a new edge. With this comes a whole new set of dilemmas as well as new rules we must abide by and inevitably date by. I’m not trying to channel Carrie Bradshaw as I scrutinize the strategies of modern day romance. But I really can’t help but wonder if things are so very different to the romantically inept world of the Victorian courtships. Where social conventions and chaperones kept them apart, it seems our reliance on our phones and online lives are keeping us from any real human interaction.
Surely years of reading cosmo, watching sex and the city and the hours spent discussing men over coffee had taught us everything we ever needed to know about the elaborate social trend of dating. Yes, just when we thought we had it all sussed out mobile phones caught on in a big way and social networking sites became your metaphorical wing man. Suddenly it wasn’t as easy as answering the phone and agreeing to go out for dinner anymore. With these new contraptions came numerous complications. Questions such as should I text first? Or, how long should i wait till I change my relationship status on facebook? simply didn’t exist even a few years ago. This new phenomenon is very much a part of the culture of my generation and I seriously find myself questioning whether we’d all be better off if we just went back to basics?
We’ve come a long way from the ‘boy meets girl’ story. Now nothing is official until it has been authorized by the social god that is facebook. For example, ask anyone who finds themselves in the throws of early love what their romantic situation is. Try this. I am almost certain their reply will refer to their relationship status on facebook.
My best friend Liz has been involved with what I would describe as her boyfriend, for over two months. What they have would constitute as a full on relationship by any standards.
However, Liz is a devout follower of the church of Facebookology, putting her blind faith to the all knowing social network. When asked whether or not this dashing young man is actually her boyfriend she looks at me in alarm and ever so dryly replies, “I’m single on facebook, therefore I’m single. You should know that.”
And I did, truth is I knew only too well what she meant. A break up with an ex hadn’t really seemed final until the word SINGLE appeared next to my relationship status on my profile. It’s almost like I had to break the news to my online life before it was actually official in my real life. That’s the extent to how detached these modern ‘amenities’ can make us.
The telephone is a useful little contraption that has been around for several years now, and I’m not even going as far as referring to the mind boggling multifunctional mobile phones, which look like they’ve been produced by NASA. I’m talking about the good old fashioned landline, its role in the dating world is almost obsolete it seems.
Many women I know would rather immerse themselves in the dating battleground that technology has created for us rather than simply pick up the phone to speak to a man. My friends can never bring themselves to phone a man, even if the man in question is someone they’ve been involved with for a while. In fact they would actually recoil at any suggestion of making a phone call, with a, “Oh my god, how desperate would that be.”
It seems that a phone call makes our communication too direct, we enjoy the luxury of analyzing what someone has said and then having time to craft our next strategic reply and we don’t realize that this is actually distancing us from one another. We have texting and emails to thank for this new tactical edge. I find tactics exhausting. Don’t get me wrong, I do think there should be some element of game playing involved. But weren’t men baffling enough already and wasn’t love always a complicated game to start off with?
And don’t even get me started on the perils of ‘textual politics,’ this is where things get really complicated. We ask ourselves all manner of questions, everything from, will he text me? To the very tactical; how long should I wait before a text him back?
My friend Kate believes we have text leeway; we get one chance to be the one to initiate a texting exchange, all in the name of not seeming desperate of course. “I’ve used up my text leeway,” she says somewhat disappointedly, “so next time I decide to text him first, I’ll pretend I’m drunk. That way he’ll think I’m just doing it because I’m wasted and not because I’m thinking about him.”
Yes this is the extreme to which people take it to, and being friends with many of the facebook and texting elite I am exposed to these situations all too often.
Its not war, distance or any of the tragic issues that tore lovers apart in the past that is affecting us nowadays. Whereas all that stood between Catherine and Heathcliff was the rambling expanse of the Yorkshire moors, nowadays its facebook etiquette and ‘textual’ politics that are keeping us apart.
Admittedly though, there does seem to be a silver lining to the very dark cynical cloud that I’ve drawn hovering over this modern marriage between dating and technology. It’s not all bad really, as I soon realised.
It was one of those depressingly gray mornings that November so often graces us with. I found myself at the bus stop in the rain, regretting my choice of somewhat summery shoes as my feet threatened me with frostbite. Boredom and cold are all that possesses me at this moment in time, and for the sake of a distraction I fall into an interlude of eavesdropping.
“That was Dave,” says one of the girls I’ve been sharing the bus stop with as she clicks her mobile shut, “he just felt like saying I love you.”
Before I let bitterness tighten its hold on me I came to a quick realization. How much brighter had that phone call made this strangers dismal Monday morning. This would have been almost impossible without her mobile. One point for technology.
I do maintain that we should not hide behind these somewhat safe and convenient modes of communication forever. We should instead take the plunge and make real plans, and hear each others voices as opposed to reading each others words. However, I can also appreciate that if we have all these modes of communication at our disposal we’d be missing out by not making the most of all of them. I myself am guilty of the games of textual politics and I have dabbled with the religion that is facebook. I can’t help smiling when I receive a sweet text from a certain someone on an awful day and I raise my hand in confession to having to check my facebook almost daily. In moderation all these mediums of contact are fun and harmless, it is only when they become a substitute for real intimacy that it gets dangerous.
Yes a facebook courtship always starts with a friend request, but how does the relationship that follows end? It ended with her having to change her facebook status back to single eleven long months later. It felt weird at first but I knew I had done the right thing by ending it. Especially when a few days later pictures of him and his ex frolicking on a beach made their way onto my home page. Thank you technology, you can have another point on me.
